Welcoming the new year of 2010 has prompted my return to blogging, but sadly, not a lot has changed since I drifted away.  I’m still sick, still undiagnosed, and still uncertain about my future.  I am starting off the year with a little more optimism, however.  I’m finally seeing a doctor who seems to understand what I’m experiencing and I have applied for disability benefits in the hope of getting some of my dignity and self-reliance back –if one can truly be dignified and self-reliant while “drawing a check.”

While my blogs in the past have been rather “out there” and nothing more than a big piss and moan fest, they are helpful to me.  Venting my frustrations, collecting my thoughts, and keeping up with stuff I might otherwise forget are just a few of the perks.  I’ve also met some really neat people along the way who have helped a great deal in terms of dealing with chronic illness.  So yeah… support is another plus.

I hope that one day I’ll be able to label my blog with something more accurate like “Living with…” or “How I’m Coping with…”, but for now, I’m just an uncategorized, non-specific, big, gooey mess of chronic illness.  “Letting Myself Go” has a couple different meanings, to me.  First, I have let myself go in the traditional sense.  I tend to spend more time in sweat pants and pjs than real clothing, but mainly because my gut issues can’t take the confines of jeans or pants with buttons or snaps.  I have difficulty holding my hands above my shoulders long enough to actually “style” my hair, so more often than not, my hair is a mess.  I do put in the effort when going out to the store or being in public in general, but here at home, I’m quite the bum now.  And I don’t care where you bought them or what style they are, there is nothing sexy about big girls in sweat pants!  Does it really matter that it is more out of necessity than neglect?  NO!

Metaphorically speaking, I’m starting to come to terms with the idea that I will never be the old Tammy again.  Even if I were to have complete remission of all symptoms, I’ve lost far too much time and dramatically changed physically and emotionally from who I once was.  I didn’t get that slowly evolving, aging gracefully opportunity.  I went from young and vital to old and decrepit overnight, it seems.  I’m trying to change my thinking from “I want my life back,” to “I want the rest of my life to be…”.  Of course, that’s easier said than done sometimes.

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